How the fuck did you go into work today? You are a better man than I. I couldn't even show up to being unemployed on time.
So the guy sitting next to me is watching dungeons and dragons on youtube. I didnt realize you could get more pathetic than actually playing the game.
history professor just told us he has magic fingers. i'm going for it.
There's limited edition cherry vanilla nyquil. It's like they know how much I hate myself and they're giving me a consolation prize.
I understand that I gave you a nose bleed with a cheeto last night and for that I apologize
The heaters out again. Makin a fire in thebroke toilet for warmth.
The druken crowd just broke into singing "God Bless America" while waiting the newlyweds to get in the limo. My friend is eating rose petals.
fat people need to stop using the handicapped bathroom stall so I can have sex in it. it's common logic
My new hangover cure is going for a haircut, just so the stylists give me a scalp massage during the shampoo.
That certainly explains the nine times your hair has looked different just this last month alone.
idk man, i just want to be a bad influence for future generations
IDK. when she left she was wearing her bra like an eyepatch and offering to shiver the timbers of the dorm patrol.
Do you think this 2 hour Amazon delivery thing works on vibrators? Cause that would be clutch
I went to smoke a bowl and realized that my lighter is out and there's still frozen blueberries in my bong... I need to reevaluate my life...
Dick is healthier for you than green beans
He called my IUD an IED, and said that’s why I had bomb pussy.... I didn’t correct him
Randomize
