just wanted to thank u for shitting in my dads bidet last night. i had to manually scoop ur shit out of it. btw ur dumped.
No, I'm only going to drink half my paycheck. That's the responsible thing to do.
The guy I was getting with last night took off his purity ring mid-sex and threw it across the room.
Fuck him. I'll set him on fire for you. Then we'll see how good of a firefighter he is.
We broke two of his toes while having sex. He laughed said he'd fix it in the morning and kept going. I think I'm in love
then my gynecologist said "its like opening up buried treasure"
woke up holding a soft boiled egg cup and empty bottle of rum. apparently i couldn't find a shot glass
Buying her a drink is like giving a seagull a French fry, all you're gonna do is get annoyed and shit on
I'm actually drinking gin and juice out of a floridas natural carton...so if that has any indication of how I'm doing
just woke up on a lounge chair wearing a durag and holding burrito wrappers in my hands
I was weirded out when the chunky goth girl and her boyfriend both started eyeing me and wanted to by me a drink.
We can't shop at Hobby Lobby anymore. They don't like Plan B which basically runs through our veins.
Donald Trump looks like someone photoshopped hair onto a dick pic.
Fun fact: My predictive text now prompts "walrus" as the most likely word to follow "intoxicated"...
Hold on gotta plunge the sink
Is that a euphemism for sex? Either way, have a good time
Randomize
