if i get the "i'm engaged" text one more time, i'm going to shoot myself in the face so my cats won't eat it when i die alone.
Not gonna happen. She just told me she puts glitter over the mole on her nose to make it look like a piercing.
I just made Jack Daniels snow cones.
That chick needs a catscan. And fuck it, we're still ordering in a stripper
You NEED to fuck him he's a doctor with one leg. Are you kidding me right now. This will definitely make the list. Plus he buys all of us drinks.
Desperately trying not to throw up over the side of the ferry back to CT. Can't be the first one of the season.
Did you hear me? I HAVE THE CONTENTS OF AN NBA PLAYER'S CONDOM IN MY BEDROOM TRASHCAN!! This shit is potentially worth millions of dollars to a fertile young female who is ovulating. How do I sell it fast??
I'm drunk in a field. the chupacobra is going to eat me. if I die serve vodka at my funeral.
Hope you don't mind if I never tell my family about you.
I have alcoholic tendencies but you know what? College
Decided I'm going to wear a shirt that says "I'm sorry" whenever we go back to that fraternity
i woke up inside a girl that i promised i would take on a date to Chili's
You are the jesus of drinking
Vacuum the place before you go out of town there are random glitter cocks everywhere
please tell me he didn't just scream 'i am the yiff lord' at the cops
Randomize
