I'm curled up in a ball on the floor of my office with the lights off. I hope no one notices. No more open bar. Woof.
if i died would you start the facebook group?
I wonder how many times I can be hungover in one day
I'm so hungover i just sang the alphabet to see if "Z" comes after "W"
just got high and bedazzled my bra. other than bleeding from the prongs life is so good.
remind me not to fuck anymore half bald 20 year olds. because obviously there's attachment issues
On the way home she put on a necklace with her name on it and wrote my name in sharpie across my chest so that in the morning we could avoid the awkward Idk who the fuck you are conversation. Best. Girl. Ever.
and somewhere between crying in her arms and throwing up in her front yard, we became friends.
Next time we include dessert condiments into our sex life we can fuck up my sheets. It's only fair.
So I just sent my ex a video snap chat of me getting head from some Venezuelan hottie with the caption I still love you. Think she'll take me back?
This weekend I forgot a cup, so I drank my wine out of a Pringles can. So classy. You would have been so proud.
he told me to take care of him and then he asked me to walk him to his hotel. I already have a pussy. I don't need another one
is that a sigh of girlish delight, or "sigh...I'm having a herpes outbreak'
Can't it be both?
I'm her ex, so unless you're interested in her massive moral failings and open season vagina, I'm not your guy.
I forget how to act sober
Randomize
