Jeff just maced a waitress...it's way too early for this.
In my defense, last night's hookup turned out to be my actual girlfriend. That's gotta count for something, right?
At orientation, some girl is asking, loudly, where she can get weed. Everyone looks discussed but are paying very close attention to people's answers.
Brian got his first ever blow job last night. We should make him a scrapbook.
No, it wasn't really a sexy 'I'm going to go masturbate.' It was an 'I'm going to go masturbate' that implied I was going to drink a tall boy of Mikes and cry while I looked at lesbian porn.
Apparently it's illegal to hit pedestrians with coke cans... But the cop complimented my arm. That's a win in my book.
Gross! What the hell is that?!?
It's quite clearly a man posing erotically with multiple packages of bacon.
Just used my flashlight app to find a gummy lifesaver I dropped on the floor
I like how you're utilizing your resources
I just bought a 1/4 oz of pot from a coworker who's old enough to be my grandfather...I'm never leaving Portland.
Did I send you a naked snap the other day with a fat blunt in my mouth with the caption "$1200 bitches!" ?
Just had to double check that I had pants on. THAT kind of weekend.
He fucked me on the hood of my car outside his work, and now I'm paranoid that the doggie day care next door might have security cameras.
My mom just woke me up with a cowboy hat and sunglasses on. It's 7 am and she's drunk.
Fuck. I did it again. I plugged in my toaster and walked away thinking it needed to preheat. I am dumb.
I almost wrecked my car because of a guy in skinny jeans had a boner
Randomize
