you sent me 45 texts saying "meow?"
did i?
PS, you're not being slutty, you're "making dreams true."
Got home. Hugged Mom. The look on her face indicated she noticed nipple rings.
She told me I should be a condom model.
casually drinking alone with your cats. do they like sparks?
Lesson of the night- sweaty dick can get stuck to ice, and require medical attention.
New high score, I made the stripper choke me while I was getting a lap dance last night
trapped on the roof of the strip club. help
It has been so long since I got any action that I have decided to change my vagina's name from "the chamber of judgement" to "the cave of forgotten dreams".
He told me my outfit made me look like a twelve year old then proceeded with "but you don't look like a whore"
They've already turned me into the Dean of Students once because they felt 'unsafe' because I came home hammered and asked one of them to make me a grilled cheese sandwich. Like, I just ASKED!
Company sent me first class out of state, got so drunk on the plane I started handing out pillows and blankets to the people in coach
He won a jackpot and invited his ex girlfriend over to have sex on 5grand
The fact that he quoted freebird as his breakup speech was a little more classy than expected
There is a reason my most meaningful relationship since 2012 has been with Duracel...
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