you rubbed the head of my dick and said "I shall call you Squishy and you shall be mine and you shall be my Squishy."
we were so high last night we were cutting bread with my iphone
It is 8 o'clock in the morning and there is already blood all over one of the stalls in the bathroom. What has your St. Patrick's day done for you?
First day at work... I clogged up the office toilet on purpose to assert my dominance.
drunken yoga. on the beach. senior week. you have been chosen <3
He ran headfirst into the atm. Thenasmed us what our spirit animals were...he said his was either a dolphin or a cabbage
He showed up in booty shorts and no shirt and said dont laugh dont ask questions and give me a fucking final and no one in class said anything we just sat there speehless
Oh my god. I just RAN OVER a child. Oh my god this isnt my day. That kid was cool as fuck though
Discovered that a nalgene holds an entire bottle of wine. Going mobile. Come find me.
Fuckin wine wasted last night. Found my pants in the toilet this morning.
I tried to steal a Mike's Hard sign last night but it didn't work out
why what happened?
Well it was going fine.. until the bouncer noticed the three foot steel lemon sticking out of my jacket.
Dude! We had to write our address on your arm in permanent marker so you wouldn't get lost. You just showed the cabbie your arm and he drove you! Nice guy.
Hi please disregard the last text and if you'd like our entire interaction
Done
It's your birthday, you should get to jizz where you want to. Jizz when you want tooo
The lady in the stall next to me just screamed "why are you so hairy!?" and "why can't you get any!?" to her vagina. WTF
Randomize
