I created a new tequila drink. it is a mix of excitement and fear instilled in innocent people.
I dont like him- his parents were home and he hid me in his closet like anne frank
its official now. im not pissing on secret service cars with a senators inside anymore.
its barely noon and he already threw up and i have second degree burn
Yeah well margarita Wednesday already came twice this week and it's just now Wednesday
I was freaked out. No man over 50 is allowed to touch me. Ever. Unless you're Michael Bolton. Then please do.
I can't talk to her. I know entirely too much about her genitals to hold a conversation without mentioning them.
On a scale of one to liver failure, how bad would it be if I played thunderstruck alone?
Hey, I'm making progress. I haven't thrown up in a bar while wearing a sweater vest in almost two months.
i hope you're proud of yourself! i just had to ask my boss to put ointment on the rugburn on my back. clothes hurt!
How can other people our age be acting like adults when I'm still taking my birth control pill with left over gin and tonic from the night before?
I was going through my settings and the phone randomly started playing "Crazy Little Thing Called Love" by Dwight Yoakum. Out loud. At full volume. I was shitting. There were 3 other people in the bathroom. I love iOS 7.
I want the address of the individual responsible for strawbeeritas. I want to send them gift basket.
He just stopped in the middle of undressing for sex to dip his slice of pizza in ranch. I think I’m in love.
Fuck. I think I can already feel tomorrow's hangover. It's like future me cane back to warn present me about the impending doom but didn't turn the time dial back far enough.
Randomize
