if I could go back to kindergarten and not fuck up my life, I so would.
I took a bird feeder and filled it with alka-seltzer. Can you say fireworks?
Just got walked in on during safety inspections
Think you passed?
Never underestimate the healing power of vomiting and a bath.
I was so scared, I actually heard my grandmother's voice in my head saying if I get pregnant, then my vagina will fall off. And then I'm going to die.
Dammit. I drunkenly drank all my milk at 6 AM in a misguided stupor to prevent my roommates from stealing my milk.
Seriously this night has "go home now before you cry, puke or scream on someone" written all over it.
he's dressed up as pikachu 3 fucking years in a row and gotten laid each time. i don't understand
Pregaming before going to drink with a girl from Russia. Please make sure I'm not dead in the morning.
How drunk is "too drunk" for candlelight service?
I have never fucking hated the horrible sound of dozens of off-key recorders BLARING their fucked rendition of "Fais Do-Do" in unison against the screams of an adult male... more than I do now. This is why people avoid teaching. Kill me. End it all.
The homeless woman that called me a "dirty looking cunt" the other day, was standing outside Starbucks today with a sign that said "Jesus loves you."
Somehow you're a lightweight AND an alcoholic. Rare combo in one person. Well done.
Poor guy. Tried so hard to get out of the friend zone. I had to make out with someone in front of him to put him in his place.
I should not be able to sum up my life with a taco brand motto...
Randomize
