Why is it that you only get to have sex when you haven't shaved your legs in six weeks and are wearing period stained granny panties?
just saw bouncers outside a coffee shop. beginning to question humanity.
Guy passed out in the lobby with a keychain sharpie hanging from his belt loop. 1 guest came in and wrote on him, then others saw and got in line. I'm not waking him up.
Just checked an empty cooler on the flight to Notre Dame. You don't have to tell me you're jealous, I already know.
Mom just Facebook checked into an Applebees at 2am. Caption: ''WITH THE BESTIEZ.''
I dropped my blunt out the window of a moving car by accident, tell me everything will be okay
She was the shot vending machine at the party. But free.
no dont worry i changed into my costume in the hospital bathroom
YOU LET ME GO HOME WITH CREEPY RON JEREMY?!?
...and?
I hate when you're right.
Dollar Store pregnancy tests. For when you sorta wanta know.
They have marijuana tests too!
Know anything about my roof collapsing last night?
Tequila.
we fucked in the backseat of my car at the observatory, right under the stars. it was a starry, orgasmic filled night
I'm currently sitting at your kitchen table eating chicken nuggets that I dug out of the trash and thinking about how much I need to get laid.
Why do all my exes just become Tom Hanks in Castaway?
That's a fantastic question. And an odd set of criteria to meet if wanting to date you.
I’m sorry I pressured you for dick pics.
Randomize
