I have no voice and feel like lukewarm beer.
Dude that chick had her name tattooed in Japanese characters between her b-cups. I kept calling her Toyota.
I just saw what sperm look like swimming around. I'm not happy with what you've put in my stomach.
I think even Ryan Seacrest is disgusted with the thought of Ryan Seacrest getting some.
Hashbrowns don't come out your nose as easily as you would think
You know what sound is wonderful for a hangover? Listening to the horns from the South Africans at the world cup
And then I saw the naval officer and gave up that whole new leaf thing
We hung out in the bathroom the whole time and talked about sex and watched some girl pee. If you don't believe I was there, check the bathtub for bread crust.
Is your answer to that text seriously a right parenthesis
I just puked so hard I pissed myself. Outta my ass. I just won hangover of the century.
He started humming whilst eating me out. At first it was weird, but my new motto is now don't knock it before you've cum from it
Pretty sure the guy I hooked up with Saturday gave me a buy one get one free coupon for chipotle. Who said nice guys don't exist?
This was the first funeral I've ever attended where I had to pee behind a bush cuz someone was passed-out drunk in the locked bathroom. Steve would have been proud.
I brought an already opened bag of trail mix from home to snack on today. Some motherfucker ate all the m&ms out of it. I hate my roommates
She meowed at me. Repeatedly. Then she asked what was wrong with me because I didn't understand her.
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