You called me twice to tell me that you spit in your own eye, when I was right next to you.
When u wake up, don't be alarmed by the passed out mariachi band, they're cool. Muchos gracias
He asked me if we could throw a lingerie party together so I guess he's single again
every single time I see a picture of the two of them on facebook, I want to just call her and scream "your boyfriend said I give the best head on the east coast". But I've been told that would be inappropriate.
I just want to know what horrible accidents of evolution allowed that tiny penis to exist
He looked like he was trying to woo a lady version of himself by playing goblin music on his guitar.
Drunk Sam makes promises that Sober Sam can't keep
Believe me honey Imma fuck the discount out of at least one plastic surgeon in my life
I just wanted to check in on you and you replied with a selfie with your Coney Island waiter and the caption "after his shift we're dropping acid together"
He dared you to draw a map of the USA on your wall in mustard. You drew something that vaguely resembled a velociraptor eating Oklahoma, got embarrassed because you forgot how to spell America, then hid out in the coat closet until everybody left.
Video footage says last night I reincarnated as stripper Shania Twain... Man, I feel like a (slutty) woman.
I can't hang out with this penis. I'll start thinking I like the person it belongs to.
I mean seriously with your cock and my tits combined we could rule the world. Pinky and the brain style
she's pretty fucking smug for someone who has had unprotected sex with a convicted felon
Yep, you're going to hell.
I take on this great possibility with a beer in one hand and the girl I'm gonna fuck later in the other
Randomize
