Dude, no joke... I lost my wedding ring in some skank last night
phil was outside the bar last night, sitting on the ground playing songs on a guitar hero guitar to people walking by for money...best version of free bird ever
He def has a gf... But hes 7 feet tall and that superceeds any morality I may have.
she's using motion activated glade air fresheners as some sort of early warning system
St Patricks Day is not the day you decide to have a sober epiphany.
I feel like I just walked the hall of shame thru the marriott. Everyone stared.
I think it was the shoes and limping. Not the sex. I could b wrong.
wtf are you talking about? You vomit-splattered the cop from the balcony. The cop YOU called because you drunk-dialed 911 because a 5 year old ate the last donut.
it was a krispy kreme
How do I know I'm high? Let me count the ways.
1. I put the milk in the cupboard, 2. Everything tastes fucking amazing, 3. My dog is really soft, 4. The lunesta butterfly flew out of my tv and touched me
I woke him up with a blow job and he started sing "oh the USAAAA. IT'S GOING TO BE S BEAUTIFUL DAYYYYY"
Oh and I'm kind of in the library.
Waiting for the foreign guy who keeps staring to make his creepy move.
He's the stereotypical redneck. He tried to go kayaking during a storm and almost got into a fight when a park ranger tried to stop him
Family trip though. I generally don't wheel too much ass with the fam in tow. Despite the fact my parents would be pleased if I did.
Good, I don't think Coke dipped ring pops hold up in the mail anyway.
He had a vasectomy. I think I'm in love.
I just gave my boss a blowjob. underneath his desk at work. that promotion is mine!
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