No it only became awkward when she walked in with her new boyfriend and we realized we'd all banged her
dude on moped wearing crocs...somebody get this guy his man card back
i love accidental penises.
Yeah! I got cockblocked by the blizzard last night. Lost girl on way to my apartment. Not a joke
It's only 4 pm and I'm already way past my preferred quota of "could have died" moments
He talks to me in this sweet I know you might be pregnant voice.
DO IT, or I'll send you pictures of my hickey to remind you of your loneliness
The trash can in my living room is full of Popsicle sticks and my vibrator has taken up permanent residence on my coffee table. I'm not doing anything productive. Clearly.
How's dinner? Come here? You can bring your boyfriend if you're ok leaving without him
Well I'm missing half a toenail if that's any indication of my night
When you get this divorce finalized we're going to mid evil times AND pirate dining adventure. We're gonna find you a couple of real men and make them joust/swashbuckle for your affection. My treat.
I FUCKED THE WRONG FRIEND HELP ME
Never thought I'd see the day when I got assless chaps in the mail, and yet here we are...
He let me share his family pack of hot pockets with him. Chivalry isn't dead after all.
He passed out in my car.
What's the problem?
HE'S STILL IN MY FUCKING CAR.
Randomize
