Maybe if you date her you can take a dump on her
He said he used to draw on the walls with poop when he was a kid.
When I'm drunk and can't pee, I sing my abc's in my head and try to pee before I get to pee. Last night I forgot to do it in my head
He is passed out on the kitchen floor. He will fight you if you disturb him. Just a warning.
We're playing fucking games. GAMES. THIS IS BULL SHIT. IM GOING TO THROW UP ON THE BABIES AND LEAVE.
Wise words from the guy who drunkenly chipped his teeth on the sidewalk
Crosswalk actually
Hypothetical Question: Would you take a cougar bullet for me?
Come in your red robin gear. If you smell like French fries we can make love.
You described pouring milk in your strawberry cereal as a glittering magnificent water fall, skimming over the mountain and little strawberry citizens.
I'm making poor life decisions again. Tune in tomorrow to see how much I hate life.
I do feel like I owe you an apology for trying to fuck your dad last night but in my defense everyone knows I shouldn't drink tequila.
I just called my boyfriend "Dad"... Awkward
I can't believe I haven't fucked an Elvis impersonator yet.
Rebounding with her sister was the best idea i ever had.
Whatever douche. I sucked the dick that made you. I. Win.
Randomize
