I don't know where I am but the food in the fridge is awesome.
A few issues tonight. 1) Drunk since 1pm. 2) At the bar at 4pm. 3) James brought his sister, who has enormous breasts, isnt shy about cleavage, obviously slutty, and makes me want to do things that would even have Atheists sending me to hell. However, she's wearing glitter, so all Im thinking about is Edward Cullen. Go ahead and rip up my Man Card.
I woke up with a black eye and dim memories of announcing that i had super powers. I shoved my pockets full of canned tuna and tried to jump off the balcony. And then my boyfriend called the cops.
so you're not coming in to work today?
A lesson I learned in the hospital....when you masturbate while attached to a heart monitor, it scares the nurses a lot.
No subtext here. People are naked.
You refused to come over and kept yelling that you were gonna sleep on a car
He'll choke me during sex but he won't eat a strip of bacon. Vegetarians are weird.
Finally put clothes on I've been laying naked in the bed for approximately 4 hours since I showered and by showered I mean when I laid down in the bathtub with the shower on
He's like Medusa, you can't look directly into his eyes or you'll turn into a slut.
YOU CAN'T BASE A RELATIONSHIP OFF A PENIS
I LIKE HIS TONGUE TOO.
No, that was the night I helicoptered my dick to oncoming traffic. Im talking about the night I ran naked down the street.
somehow this turned into a costume party you have to get here now with my banana suit or I'm wearing my birthday suit
I told him I was going to sit on his face after I got out of the shower, he threw up the arm boners and yelled "STEVE HOLT!!" I might actually stop sleeping with other dudes.
You know i love you, but i just cannot fuck you until your eyebrow grows back. It's too hard not to laugh.
All boys are excommunicated from my vagina until further notice.
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