So ps i'm not pregnant with any athletes illegitimate children : )
One can only hope that this night would end with my thumb in another humans rectum.
i live my life in a constant state of hangover.
so my 6 year old came home from school and asked me if he was a bastard cause the kids at school called him one, i told him to call them a clit. those parents will hate me
One of my students just said I have "big mommy parts". Even third graders know that my tits are too big. God I love em.
almost just walked around my whole building with my bowl in my hand before i remembered 420 isnt a get out of jail free card
he was drinking wine. Puking into an empty water bottle. And eating french toast. ....All at the same time.
He panicked, you ducked and I was coming off a 3 day coke binge. It was no one's shining moment.
I am literally sitting on the toilet in utter disbelieve that last night even happened. My god that was only Monday.
The cabbie told us to at least pretend we weren't doing coke while he was driving
When I go out tonight I need to make sure to be really good. The Easter bunny doesn't deliver to jail
Oh goddamn. That a super downer Tuesday reality right there. Just hit me with the cold, hard, nasty facts.
Between randomly bursting into tears and the reappearance of my lost sex drive, this break up has left me bizarrely damp.
You invited these random guys into your apartment that you met in the hallway...& then you started screaming at them to get out cause you didn't know who they were.
Adulthood is putting your bongs in the dishwasher because you're too lazy to clean them manually.
Are you ok dude?
Randomize
