I think the phrase "bag of smashed assholes" describes it best
i just missed the spain goal because i was puking in the bathroom. damn you open bar.
Just got booked to do a bachelorette party for a polygamist wedding. And notice I only text you to rub things in your face and show you my life shits on yours. Daily.
searching "dave" under the university of pittsburgh on facebook was not exactly how i hoped to find my baby daddy
Being the adderall dealer on campus, I feel responsible for everyone graduating.
I wonder if they'd let me siphon the gas out my car before they impound it
I tried...failed..now im naked on the futon since clothes are hard.
No, that was the night I helicoptered my dick to oncoming traffic. Im talking about the night I ran naked down the street.
I need to shower three times. First to be clean, second to wash off all sins, and third will classify as baptism.
You don't know what lonely is until you've came in an Arby's Napkin
party tonight. bring as many traffic cones as you can find. we need to section off the blackout drunks way better this time
You continued to run around saying "free the nipple" while "taste testing" every liquor on the premises.
valentines day is a day for loved ones to share. So me and my vibrator. Happy holidays.
I no longer need a flask. I need a canteen.
Just convinced the cute guy from class that I have prostate cancer. GET ME OUT OF THIS TOWN!
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