dude, never take two tylenol pm and smoke three bowls. i feel like i'm covered in cold ants.
my secret santa just gave me a pregency test
ive come to the point where weve hung out more times sober than drunk. i think im growing up. fuck.
Decided to go explore a half built apartment complex at 4 a.m and leave a 3 block obstacle course in the alley ways on the way home.
only in a texas roadhouse would someone whistle while I was breastfeeding.
so the x-ray technician didnt buy my story of falling off a curb. she said a fall of that height couldnt snap the bone that way. bitch called me a drunken idiot too. if she wasnt so hot i'd be angry
Yah, I guess one silver lining is I'd never seen a full water cooler get thrown down a flight of stairs, gotta appreciate the little things
I asked the subway guy how many cookies he thought I could smuggle into the bar. He said it looked like a 6 packer. he was correct
Just gave a blow job while wearing a shirt that says 'world's coolest mom' idk how my conscience feels...
She just mixed her Emergen-C with champagne... Vegas here we come!
He keeps asking the karaoke guy to play let it go from frozen so he can sing it in a falsetto
I can only get day drunk because of my medicine now, so... There's that
So it was all good until she started grabbing my beard and telling me to "roar little lion"
Ok, now help me add to my topless picture collection, i'm going to make myself a calendar
My freshman suitemate just walked into the kitchen to find my fuck buddy making chicken enchiladas without me anywhere to be found. Awkward or awesome?
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