By the way the fattest man alive got married yesterday and I don't even have a boyfriend.
I accidentally threw away from slim jim and some lady saw me dig it out of the garbage. It was unopened but still, I look so homeless.
Still drunk and leading the team through the 9am sales meeting. I'm pretty sure this is why there aren't more 26year-olds in management.
u sent me just one boob. one just doesnt do it for me. u dont get full on a half a rack of ribs u need a full one
She got her phone back last night. And the first thing I sent her was a picture of me pooping in a culvers bathroom
He told me he's not in to anal. I need to marry him, ASAP.
I walked in on him successfully eating chips and masturbating at the same time. I don't know whether I should be ashamed or proud.
diet's not working. come over. i need someone to fuck the hungry out of me.
I was wondering how I got the burn marks on my boobs and then I remembered....
The baked potato bra?
I swear you won't find cereal in your washer machine again.
I'm now having weird sexual fantasies about that riverdancing figure skater. So thanks for that.
I told the bartender that his red, white and blue shots were terrible and tasted like Thomas Jefferson's balls.
just put a ruler in a cup trying to measure how much ivve had to drink..... God help me
By the time I realized I was watching a Danish porno with muppets it was already too late
Bahahah I should. I’m the free range drunk girl who should clearly not be free range because who knows what kind of fuckery I would get into
Randomize
