Crap im kindd 0f drunkk we just hooked up in a mcdonalds parking lot but i dont know why how we are here
Lady with a stroller in a bar. Think she's out of my league?
so i definitely just saw 2 cops high five each other as they were arresting underage drinkers in 5 points.
I woke up face down on my laptop with three windows open: itunes, chat roulette and redtube
I just found a bottle of gin in my vegetable crisper. Party is back on.
Do any of you want to be on a three way call with me while this girl masturbates in 10 min? You can't talk
I'm so glad I got to use the word gutterslut before 11:00a today.
I found this letter on my leg this morning "dear sober self- we are one body now. It's weird but get used to it because it already happened" who the fuck is lionman?
White grape blunt wraps are like the equivalent of a glass of wine in a tux.
I may or may not have told him that he's "the only one with a PHD in this pussy"... I should like direct cheesy porno flicks or something.
My sister texted me to say she just found a corn on the cob in her purse from last night. You need to party with us more.
I wanted to say, you're welcome for your orgasms, thanks for not returning the favor, Needledick
It was like a baby arm holding another baby arm holding an apple grove. Fuckin huge!
I'm floating on a rainbow and a purple elf is giving me advice. COME NOW!!!
Speaking of dumpster fires, your ex tried to add me on Facebook
Randomize
