his ringtone is the jonas brothers. get me the fuck out of here NOW.
I saw an Asian dude carrying a patchwork denim purse get into a car with two rednecks at the grocery store tonight. Imagine what I could have seen if I had actually done something interesting.
yo dibs on the gosselin haired one.
He asked me to touch his mustache. Should I go home with him?
Left for charity run at 5AM. Saw a pigeon eating last night's vomit and a pair of shame-walkers in high heels. Nature at it's finest.
Chasing bourbon with pepto... Dedication.
this is not real life
it never is. after midnight never counts.
But you can still look for dick after you find Jesus.
But I got head on a boat yesterday which was sweet until a bald eagle flew over. Then it became life affirming.
I don't trust a bar IN TENNESSEE that doesn't have Jack Daniels.
Im quite confident that my struggle with sobriety ended last night sometime after dinner
He asked me while we were fishing why the passion was gone when we have sex. It's official...I am the dude in this relationship.
I kinda forgave him after he laid next to me and rubbed my arm for four hours while I tripped balls.
Update on my sex life: my calves are sore from masturbating too much. It's a thing. Look it up.
Let's make this a nightly thing. You'll explain the Watergate scandal like you're telling me a bedtime story while I eat popcorn high as fuck
Randomize
