i found out what alaskan girls practice during those six months of darkness
she texted him the burrito order while she was puking in the Del Taco parking lot...
she peed. on the sidewalk. it is 2 pm. Help.
Totally just grabbed the wrong dick. Damn this tequila.
Don't upload the drink o meter to your google calendar. Somehow binge drinking looks even worse with a time stamp.
Leaving the phone at home last night was the best decision I ever made.... Though I still managed to text her and now I have 2 phones...
Anyhow, I am sorry for being obnoxious about wanting more sex and forcing you to eat lunchmeat off of my ginormous nipples. I knew that you weren't going to succumb to my pushy demands
She seems less like a roommate, and more like a homeless person who snuck into your apartment.
Fuckin wine wasted last night. Found my pants in the toilet this morning.
They finally caught us and banned us forever, but it was worth it because we didn't have to pay for light bulbs for at least 3 years.
So you stole light bulbs, from your favorite bar, and got banned, and you're happy?
Look we couldnt pay for light bulbs and ramen, and you can't eat light bulbs or cook in the dark. Win - win.
Too bad pet owners lack respect for my training in ancient Buddhist and holistic rehab therapies.
I'm not sure the Buddhist consider pot brownies holistic rehab therapy
He ate a Doritos taco from my boobs. Does your boyfriend do that?
I went to BBQ fest on Wednesday and came home wearing a different shirt, so I think I did some good damage.
Bruh why you gotta judge
You're awake at 3:30 in the morning RSVPing to a musical, I'm well within my means
Why do I always have at least 8 men with whom I am conducting some sort of poorly planned love experiment?
Randomize
