I threw up under water while wearing a hockey helmet last night. Awesome.
i decided to cut a 3rd hole in to my snuggie so i could masturbate all the time.. all time low? or genius?
And we should impose a 'friends don't let friends order 25 shots at last call' rule
Nothing like a 3am firealarm to kick a booty call out...
did you know that if you have sex in the elevator on the way up that people can still get in?
He said I was cute and he handed me a stuffed bear from his car. I don't care that he was 80, I named it Hector.
It's been over a year since we've been get-so-drunk-you-throw-beer-cans-at-fat-girls-drunk together. That needs to change.
Like for real, is your junk ok? I have to look after my investments.
I sent "Rawrrrr" to 151 matches on Tinder. I feel like thats a substantial size of the DC female population.
he stole a smokey from the street meat vendor and put it in his pocket when she wasn't looking and now we're drinking avocado margaritas
I blew past the Governor's motorcade going twice the speed limit and DIDN'T get a ticket. God wants me to get laid.
I am sure I don't wanna know but I have to ask... Why is there a kiddie pool full of jello in the living room?
I'm determined to sit on that face.
I hope no one at work can tell or smell that I have tequila in my hair and I haven't showered for days
It’s a hundred kinds of wrong to do Jell-O shots at home alone. Right?
I support drinking alone. But Jell-O shots. That’s a game changer.
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