I just woke up to a lawnchair covered in lipstick. I'm wearing red lipstick. What happened and is the tequila?
There's a level of bonding between people at the liquor store at 10:30 in the morning that's unrivaled
I asked him how he was going to celebrate tomorrow and he said "tits, clits, and bong hits"
Come downstairs. Moms serving wine for breakfast again.
So. She dumped me today.
Well, maybe you shouldn't have referred to going down on her as "Dumpster-Diving".
i think i traded my wallet for a tim hortons gift card.
you put your hands over the taxi driver's eyes and shouted GUESS THE WAY TO THE CLUB
I'm spending tomorrow with her. What should my ridiculous personal goal be? I've already got a blowjob while eating a cupcake
3-9 out of 10... Depends on the situation. Taco Bell is more of an idea than a restaurant.
How stoned are you?
I need you there. I need someone to glance at when other people inevitably annoy me.
Just got a snapchat from him that was a video of with the caption "my new apartment" in Brazil. I think we might not be seeing eachother anymore.
I was out of weed and my vibrator broke, so I'm now at Red Lobster.
After tacos, we're chasing women.
Come on, will you just fuck him so we can watch Star Wars.
I’ll always remember that day you sent me that random nude on accident lmao changed my life
Randomize
