Someone wrote that you're a whore in one of the bathroom stalls
I didn't know I was popular enough to be hated. This is awesome
Definitely still drunk while signing the 'responsible adult' form at the hospital
Apparently married women at the office don't like getting congratulated on getting "knocked up"
turns out they were just sand fleas, not crabs.. thank you random mexican girl from padre who's name i can't pronounce
After the VIP Latina experience at the strip club last night, I am rooting for Mexico in this years World Cup.
I dont know why the TSA people are looking at me wierd. I mean there is no way i am the only hungover college girl here with nine tally marks on her hand and last nights glitter on her face
Ps. I feel like I may pee myself this weekend. Either drunkenly or out of excitement. Toss up
I just remembered you had me meet your law professor while I was wasted...how'd that go?
Aparently i was the only guy at her parents bbq throwing up in the pool so Im the asshole right...
Hello and welcome to the game 'Matt needs weed'! Rules are simple: first one to find a bag wins the fabulous prize of getting stoned with yours truly. Thank you for playing and good luck!!
I knew this night was headed for bad when I was drinking cherry bombs out of a sippy cup in the shower
You sat on me. Like I was a toilet. While I was on the toilet. You peed a little.
I'm going to start talking to Bill again, he has friends with boats which means we'll get to go on boats.
He’s perfect! He listens to Genesis during sex and has a VW bus!
You really are from the panhandle, aren’t you?
i shit you not. the flight is delayed because they have to change fucking light bulb. all the airport bars are closed and my shit is in checked luggage.
Randomize
