Who tried to make mustard cubes with the ice cube tray?
i feel like even strangers are annoyed with me because of how drunk i was last night
So I was throwing up in this fancy toilet at a party last night, when he decided it would be funny to flush it. It was a beday. I had to walk out with toilet water and regurgitated rumpleminze all over my face and shirt.
My bra broke.... so I Macguyvered that shit together with floss
We're going to play a drinking game. It's called "Senior Year of College."
So howd u manage to get high at a one year olds birthday anyway?
I wish I could just hang out in ERs.
I am still sore from last night. I can't wait for you to meet my parents.
Just bought shock top, Trojans, double shots and baby oil. At 8 am. While the lady in front of me bitched about her expired coupons.
Alls I wanted was a fun New Years but I end up fingering a geico sales representative on a futon and giving her a ride to work the next morning
I feel like I got hit by a truck. And I vaguely remember getting into an argument with a passive aggressive Ron Burgundy in a onesie- grown man, not a baby- about the pronunciation of New Orleans
My dad's girlfriend is driving through the snow to bring me my purple haze. If he doesn't wife her up, we have a bigger issue on our hands.
Accidentally texted co-worker instead of bf “I’m wfh tomrw. Nooner? 💦”
My ex's girlfriend just invited me clubbing. Guess who won the breakup?
Why is everyone giving me a hard time for drinking?!
Your in the library.
Randomize
