found out this morning via facebook that the guy i met last night has a wife and a baby and he took me to his apartment where he takes girls to cheat on his wife
i mean you met him at the daytona 500
its a saturday night. im home alone watching legally blonde, eating week old birthday cake and drinking milk out of the carton. so yeah im doing real well
My vagina just recognized that song.
so, I mean this in the straightest way possible, but don't you ever just feel like you owe Jon Stewart a blowjob...
do you have any idea how hard it is to keep a boner while another dude is writing on your dick in sharpie?
I had a dream last night where I used the marginal product rule to figure out how much more hangover I got per sip of four loko, econ is taking over my life...
Reached a new low last night. Passed out. With my pants down. On the toilet. At ihop. Waitress had to wake me up.
Do you know how hard it is to be while you're high with a chuck Norris poster in the bathroom?
She called and said her prescription was refilled. I guess we are dating again.
So. Somehow managed to fuck my contacts out of my eyes. Didn't know that was even possible.
We didn't mean to put a petting zoo in the elevator.
Can I fire a pigeon out of a t shirt gun?
I am high playing guitar hero naked. Please don't let me die this way
I would like to make it known to all of you that my penis is official retired, but it thanks you for the countless years of service you provided
he was just sitting there in his underwear... and his chewbacca mask...
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