got weed?
I'm really tired of you accidentally texting me when your doing illegal things. I'm taking away your phone.
sorry mom...
literally followed a trail of condoms to the bus stop this morning. Ahh modern-day bread crumbs
yeah he didnt know till after their one year. You have no idea how bad i wanna say "dude i sucked on those boobs before you"
I'm in my boyfriends bathroom and I shit so bad, there was no toilet paper but his mom's clothes were on the floor and I wiped my butt on her underwear... now it looks like she sharted
It is 3am. I'm at a pizzeria with my 4 friends. The one to my right is throwing up on herself, the one to my left is crying hysterically by herself, the one in front of me is passed out on the table, and the other is trying to find a taxi and I'm pretty sure a guy is sticking his hand up her skirt. Tourists are taking pictures. Help me.
I don't think the car's salesman understands that I am about to vomit on him.
I'm not mad at you for letting me use my air mattress as a toilet, i'm mad at you for letting me lay back down on it.
I barely remember the girls that I got pregnant, you think I'm gunna remember the ones that played handball
After you tried speaking to him in whale you asked if you could see his "blow hole." That's how bad it was.
Drunk me spoon fed everyone baby food last night.
I think I'm leaving the streamers and balloons up from 4th of july till after he stops by. It'll be like the universe is celebrating his massive dick.
He was talking up his golf swing like other guys talk up their dick. Is this adult dating or just another flavour of douchery?
Listen I just pulled white girl hair out of my underwear. This has got to stop. I was wearing pants all night.
Pretty sure my first birthday present will be a pic of an 18-year-old's cock. And I am OK with that
Nothing says "Jesus has forgiven your sins" like finding out you're not pregnant on Easter.
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