I wish your couch was made out of beer. I would drink like half of it.
dude I just sharted for the first time ever, kind of gross
well what did you think, shitting your pants would be fun
i soberly give you permission to do that to me when im drunk
He's gotten way too comfortable around me. He came into the bathroom and took a shit while I was in the shower.
she was talking to me but i could help but stare at the extremely long hairs on her boobs. then she says, "your looking at the hair on my boobs aren't you"
that shit musta been laced I laughed for two hours and everyone looked like penguins
From the prices on this menu it looks like I have no choice. I have to blow him.
these marshmallows taste like mayonnaise. like playing tetris on a gameboy, that's what these marshmallows mean.
she was masturbating to a video of herself masturbaing. She's a keeper
In my defense, last night's hookup turned out to be my actual girlfriend. That's gotta count for something, right?
Also his beard was very delicious looking. I wanted to touch it so bad, but I held back.
I've literally NEVER been on a date or gotten through one episode of netflix without having sex like I JUST WANT TO WATCH TRUE DETECTIVE
My lighter is stuck in my beard.
dude, totally just walked home...using pizza as gloves
Gotta go, there’s a chick at my door that wants to give me head
Randomize
