I just bought a large Pizza and Xanex in the same store...my night is complete
i was blowing him and "what if god was one of us" came on his playlist. I had to leave
You just projectile vomited on my dad across the table at waffle house.
Do you think he can smell the vodka?
I don't know how God could bestow someone that emotionally confused with such an awesome penis.
Just heard an advertisement for 40 proof chocolate milk. We may never have to grow up
Dear room mates I tried to shotgun pam in the kitchen. It is slippery. Please be careful. That is all. Love you.
I feel like a fucking princess. Like an heiress of a kingdom of drugs.
If you're asking how many times you took off your clothes and played with the tiki torches.....the answer is 3.
Oh, and one of the worst parts... his name was Mario. I fucked a Nintendo character.
Im so hungover I just threw up at the sight of a CARTOON CRABBY PATTY
Fuck it, I'm going to make my own dick pic album since iOS 10 won't do it for me.
I JUST SAW MY THERAPIST OUTSIDE OF WORK AND I DONT KNOW THE ADULT THING TO DO
2 weeks into this dating someone with money thing and I already don't know if I can go back to the being poor life
I feel like I had a successful night. I flashed the guy at the liquor store last night for 2 free tshirts and a giant redbull.
I threw a lamp at you?
Yes, yes you did.
Awesome
Randomize
