youre lurking in front of me
I wonder if they've ever made a porno about the song "she'll be comin' round the mountain when she comes"
Can you tell me why I have pubes stuck in my teeth?
She said you were bangin on the counters of McDonalds singing "These Eyes" at 4am
The plus side of face planted at the tailgate was that no one could see my nipples hanging out.
Im in a bar and I just invented a scrabble drinking game. People are cheering. It's like the universe has aligned itself.
It's sad that your definition of adulthood entails banging your boss after getting hammered at happy hour, and putting the tab on the company credit card.
Every time I try to stand up the back of my head feels like a bunch of little elves are beating the inside of my scalp with their toy making tools. What disease could this be?
It's hard to judge what a reasonable amount of cereal looks like in the spaghetti pot. We're out of cap'n crunch and milk.
I'm making a date with someone on Playstation Home. That's how my sex life is going right now.
I stole an accordion from the bar
Accidentally
I'm having ragrets about stealing the accordion
Nothing says happy Monday quite like coffee and oral sex.
He looks like Aladdin, and that's about all he's got going for him.
So, I'm roughly 90% sure that the guy next to me in the xray waiting room is watching porn on his phone right now
So, 'head before the store' turned into a fuck fest, & that's how I ended up at the grocery store smelling like a cum farm on Black Friday. How's your weekend?
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