No more parties with babies... I can't do that again.
community service is like the breakfast club... except we're all the criminal.
I hope i woe up in your car, or else i stole someone elses and slept in the back seat
Instead of having sex, we spent the entire night making pillow forts and have sword fights. I think I'm in love
Two people in the coffee shop I'm at are on a date and talking about how acid has affected them and the girl just mentioned meth. Fuck studying, this just got interesting.
I really wish I had added "blowjob on a slide at a playground" to my bucket list before last night.
we've coined the Sunday morning ritual of taking out our puke-filled trash cans as The Trash Of Shame
Currently cooking 3lbs of bacon in case the power goes out bc if even one slice of bacon goes to waste then sandy wins
Just to circumvent as much mood-killing as possible, you are allowed a small amount of laughter at my pubic hair. Too much and I revoke your vagina privileges until you can get your shit together.
I was super proud of him for making a mature relationship decision, and then I remembered that he cheated on her. With me.
Judging by his bulge. This guy is going home with me. Who doesn't want a dick that looks like it used to be a pillar in Rome.
How will you ever teach your dogs to pee outside when the biggest puddle on your bedroom carpet is from you?
My boobs just got me out of my third ticket last night
i'm so proud. i woke up to nearly seven feet of basketball player in my bed this morning
you win. again.
I just masturbated at work... Don't know why but I thought you should know
we need to open a bar. a bar with... wait for it... A FUCKING BALL PIT.
LOL. Do you guys need a ride home?
No. we're home already. i just thought it was a brilliant fucking idea.
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