Do you think if I drink bleach they will let me leave work?
I just threw up on my dentist
today i learned why jack sparrow loved rum so fucking much
literally. a puddle of blood. on the floor. still searching for the source
well i fell out of the hot tub and tumbled down the hill and kicked a plant in the process.
The last time you said "no one will know" is when you ran out of sprite at your birthday party and dumped a handle of straight up vodka into the jungle juice.
There is someone hissing in the hallway. Not even a typo. Not pissing. Hissing. Like a large cat. Or a komodo dragon.
I just heard myself say the sentence "I'm gonna go to the bank then take a nap". 8 year old me just slapped my present self through the space-time continuum for being an old fuck.
We broke into the kitchen, stole cooking aprons, and wore them on the dance floor.
I had sex with him and I blame the Doritos
I'll explain later but I just had to legally commit to abstinence for the next 4 months
So if he doesn't show up do we eat his birthday cake? Because I'm stoned and wrestling is on. What's the proper protocol
I'm going to ride your dick until it falls off. That horny.
I'm equal parts terrified and turned on. Come over.
We had sex on a couch that was held together by Velcro. Want to know an unsexy sound? Velcro ripping apart under your bare ass.
I'm going to leave the 5 dollars that fell out of my bra while fucking in his room on the dresser as an apology
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