i was so high last night while i was driving i felt like i was riding a bike with no pedals
I woke up with a flask of whiskey and a mason jar full of sausage in my tux jacket. south georgia is where i belong
he told me he was a chubby chaser.. then winked. i'm signing up for a gym pass as we speak
well I was pissed. first he yelled at me for having my own condoms, then he got mad when they didn't fit him. Dude, I only fuck magnum men.
He bought me a burrito. I introduced him as "Horse-Dicked Jake" all night. My debt has been repaid.
I told him i turn boys gay hoping that would scare him off. Finally i found a way to take advantage of my disability.
i convinced him to be a french maid for halloween. he has no idea what he's in for. i just ordered the breast forms.
well i mean, we just followed them into an alien and astronaut party. there was tin foil everywhere
When I am this hungover I become increasingly grateful for having my own private office
He gave me a box of cheez-its after sex, does that make me a hooker?
With my son watching me, I pulled down my pants and shit in her trash can.
I'm high on the exercise bike at the gym. I feel like Lance Armstrong
You told everybody that you were a dragon and then projectile vomited all over the kitchen.
Let's just say when I woke up I was still drunk. My hangover hit me around noon so I chilled w my dad and took a bath and shower at the same time. You just can't do that at college
I got a free corona t-shirt and all I had to do was drink a beer. This needs to be a more widely accepted form of currency.
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