I had so many friends before that round of Never Have I Ever.
you have to choose: penises or morals?
He was waring a speedo fashioned out of american flag bandanas and when he got hard he said "you're such a patriot...raising the american flag like that"
I lost my grandmas ring. Probably during the handjob.
Was just told that I was slipped 2 hits of acid in my in flight drink before takeoff. 8 hours to Germany wish me luck
I will come over now to take full advantage of you in your vulnerable state.
Fine. I should warn you I just threw up in danas fish tank. Fish are dead. Livers dead. I smell and look like a dead animal. And not showering. So deal with it.
I need a straight guy to pretend to be my boyfriend for 30 minutes so that I can pull off an act of petty vengeance. Interested?
fuck it. from now on whatever room i wake up in, i'm stealing clothes from. this walk of shame shit is too much without pants
I want to name my colorful bowl Batman. Why? I still have yet to figure it out. But I'm calling it Batman.
I believe in weed hangovers. To say the least.
Day two of not drinking, I think my cat is trying to eat me.
Psychosis secondary to sobriety???
These are the last few fleeting sober moments of the day for me. If there is anything you need me to do today, please tell me now
I need a hobby that isn't dick related
The cop took you back from the hospital and the lady at the front desk said "how are you doing cal?" You said "how do you know my name?" she responded "you're the only person i've ever seen that can throw up in your back pocket." Skills dude.
Listen, I just paid for a hotel room, so I didn't have to have sex in his car. I'm adulting successfully.
Randomize
