If you text me again I will gut all of your stuffed animals.
I hate when my naked walk-arounds are interrupted by someone knocking on the door
First thing I heard on the radio when I got in the car: "humans and dinosaurs used to live happily together"... I need to stop listening to Christian radio...
I just creeped all your pictures on Facebook -- it was like I watched you grow up right before my eyes.
I'm returning our mountain of beer cans, while wearing a Budweiser sweatshirt. i don't look like an alcoholic.
Fuck winter. I had to scrape my windshield, shoeless, after the walk of shame so I could go home.
You see.... Im at the point in my life where pissing in a toilet is a luxury for me
If I die young bury me in satin. And make sure there's a taco bar at my funeral.
No he's great. He's trying to do "sexy stuff" for me now, which is pretty hilarious. He stirred my daiquiri with his penis last night. He also tied a bouquet of flowers around it.
My backyard is filled with beer cans. You idiots turned our backyard into a redneck ball-pit
HE PUT A HOLE. IN. MY. HOUSE!!!
You whispered 'For Frodo', handed me your shirt, and charged campus security.
If you needed to get laid tonight all you had to do was ask
I think you know you’ve caught feelings when you’re asking a tinder boy his opinion about your current fuck buddy.
FYI - Don’t go in the downstairs bathroom. Ryan is passed out naked on the floor with a raging hard on.
Randomize
