maybe touching the ground while going 70 wasn't such a great idea after all..
The sex toys I ordered are being shipped to my billing address instead of shipping address. Take a guess where they're on their way to right now - my parents' house. And the package has to be signed for so there's no way around it. Fuck.
She had her laptop open and there was microsoft word opend and all was written was "no italianoo"
noo you weren't that drunk. you just knocked the grill over and couldn't get the key in the door, so you climbed through the window. success.
Thanks for putting pants on me last night. And for calling me a princess.
I'm sorry I put you in the washing machine. I honestly thought you would fit.
You almost make it sound as if getting an education to further your career is more important than beer and tacos.
Everybody needs breakup sex. You just happened to get yours from a dude who hasn't reached the point of breakup yet. No biggie.
You guys I wore sweatpants to work today because I simply forgot to put on real pants and I had a weed brownie and a juice box for breakfast. I am not ready for parenting.
Dude you literally tried to cook your phone in the microwave. You were so wasted you asked your mom to help you turn it on.
EW HE LOOKS LIKE SOMEONE'S DAD
You just sent me an audio message of you peeing. That’s true love right there.
He ran out to tell us that somebody flooded the bathroom, then went back in there fell on his ass and asked why the floor was wet
What! I said that you would fall in love? See I know better. Dark liquor makes me think everything is a dream. I barely remember saying that
I'm eating an ice cream cone and pooping. Don't know how I'm gonna wipe.
Randomize
