Can i come over
After you called me a desperate slut? No
Come over
i'm pretty sure god just pointed at me and laughed
do you remember putting condoms over both your hands and asking me if your fists would be too big.
buying booze in bulk is always a bad idea. i wish there was some direct deposit-like system
Good thing you didnt wake up last night. Wouldve found me naked talking to my closet asking to borrow my towel.
He's taking me to Burger King to celebrate losing my virginity..
Let's make a pact to never get in a cab at 3am together unless it's to go home or for pizza.
My therapist is concerned about your alcoholism.
Well I'm 2 for 2 with the absinthe, I just woke up in some random car behind the bar
I found him down the block clinging to a light post laughing and crying because a house "looked like it had buck teeth"
Trevor is horny so he just called me to tell me all the things that he would like to do with his future wife. That's a new one.
I asked her how many times she came and she said "Oh god I can't count that high, Rutgers doesn't teach us that."
its weird getting into a political debate with a pony dressed as an anime character online
If wanting to text you my feelings after three mojitos is wrong I don't wanna be right.
That's nice of you to be concerned, but I'm pretty confident I'll marry someone 30 years older than me, ride out being the trophy wife for 10 or 15 years, then live large!
Randomize
