The spoon I was using to ice my hickey just fell out of my purse while i was paying at the liquor store. I look like an alcoholic with a meth problem.
I had so many friends before that round of Never Have I Ever.
Dude, I woke up in the kitchen, naked, with a blueberry bagel as a pillow.
Can I eat your pillow?
I think condoms have that nasty latex smell to remind you in the morning of how gross you are.
Any day that starts with a call from my ex-bf... crying... is a good day.
he fucked my hip out of place.
Oh and I guess I added our cab driver on Facebook. He has "liked" every single one of my beach pictures. Kill me now.
official rule: if your drunk, it doesn't count
then nothing in my life counts
There should be a company that sends nadgrams. They're like candy grams except the recipient gets kicked in the balls.
When you and Blake get an apartment I want you to buy this Costco couch I'm currently passing out on.
She called his dick the colossus. I dont give a fuck if shes his wingman, I gotta see this natural wonder
That's the ultimate walk-of-shame: running away from your own apartment and hiding in a McDonald's.
YOUUUU FUCKING FURRYYYY
I DIDN'T COME HERE TO BE SLANDERED LIKE THIS
I also woke up in a bed soaked of pee and drunkenly lectured him on the dangers of chewing tobacco... weird night
I'm still amazed at how you managed to get Doritos in my damn front pocket without me noticing. I got crumbs everywhere.
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