In hindsight, i should have predicted that a drink called the 'rocky mountain bear fucker' would not end in a pleasant experience
Seriously. Doesn't matter if I went out last night, work is like crafts class w.a side of facebook
She had a little wicker basket of condoms by her bed. Disturbing yet convenient.
It sucks..Now I'm depressed because appearence wise, she's the closest to my favorite pornstar I'll ever get..
Threw up 3 times on the lawn mower and then proceeded to crash it into a tree root and break it.
Please do NOT set off the smoke alarm when I am tied to the bed like this...
why is my new profile picture on Facebook one of me with a bunch of strangers on an elevator?
And I'd make him talk dirty to me. In Forrest Gump's voice.
The only thing stopping me from having sex with you in my parents jacuzzi bathtub is the knowledge that they've already had that idea themselves
I'm going out with a guy whose nickname is Shark Week cause he'll eat anyone. I'm very excited.
I went over to help her build a porch, but we decided that was too much work, so we just got high and watched Scooby Doo
I just wish my penis was a person so I could give him a high five.
I'm just trying to find the strength to put my bra back on and come inside
Why let a Christmas Eve hangover ruin a perfectly good Christmas Day acid trip?
Shhh embrace your inner whore. Just embrace it.
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