remember when you told me, jokingly, to not get jizz on your shirt that i borrowed last night?
And if you don't call me, I will embarrass you publicly with a can of spray cheez.
dude, I just walked in on your little brother changing clothes...I'm ashamed to say I noticed, but that kid has as MASSIVE cock...
Yeah...we all know. it's the elephant in the room at family gatherings.
that is a frighteningly accurate metaphor for it.
Just spent the last of my lifesavings on (what i hope is enough of) alcohol. Hello summer.
This glow in the dark vibrator will get me through this power outage
he's listed in a fb relationship with a girl born in 1993. i'm too drunk to do the math on that one, but i am sober enough to know that's illegal
You've got the short couch unless you find some girl to take you home
Challenge accepted.
When he sent me a picture, I swear my vag frowned. That tiny.
The liquor stores are closed! NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO! CURSE YOU SANDY!!!!
An hour is enough time for me to get drunk and win a dry hump marathon so I hope you have somewhat similar or better goals
Seriously considering modifying my computer case so it can dispense wine. I need to make a bunch of changes and reorganize it's guts anyway....
I just twinged a muscle in my shoulder trying to hug myself. In the world of loneliness-based injuries, this is a new low for me.
My Easter dress smells like alcohol, men, and bad decisions
Why thank you for your unwanted opinion, person I've never met before.
I honestly don't understand how your night went from singing a touching rendition of Africa to an angry political rant to low key trying to find a frat boy to bang to doing dishes to yoga
Randomize
