I am now the proud owner of a 10-12 year old's Optimus Prime costume from Walmart. Tomorrow is going to be a good day.
Drunk, high, and in a taco costume. Wish you were here.
I just blew my nose and little bits of weed came out.
he got promoted. that means i have now given my new boss chlaymida. i need a new job.
I legitimately sent him a storybook of naked pictures.
if I want to go home with a foreign boy, please feel free to let me go, sober me gives you permission to let drunken me do it
Just saw the guy with the plastic bag on his head riding his bike again...
Did I mention I should never take 5 Xanax and drink?
I sort of figured that out when I found you sitting on the roof of your house saying we could get in through the skylight while I called the locksmith.
A girl at the bar is wearing green body paint instead of a shirt. Where are you?!
You just made it sound like a children's toy! It's a functioning body organ, my vagina is not a gameboy!!!
i'm sad to say... seems like women around here set up their armageddon booty calls ahead of time. wanna fill all these condoms with tequila and head downtown???
are you just inviting me because you can't afford an actual stripper?
Just caught myself checking an online porn site while in a strip club. Might have a problem.
You need to be on (or possibly create) the international emoji committee to address all of these glaring oversights
just took a pregnancy test before I went out drinking. if that's not drinking responsibly Idk what is.
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