why is every porn film shot in the same house? with the same red couch!?!
Her cooch smelled like a combination of bacon and sweat.
all they had in the fridge was rum and filled water balloons
There's a litter of kittens in my bathtub and beer cans everywhere. I want my apartment key back.
a kid who worked there came up to me and let me know you were sitting in the bathroom sink. he said it was fine, so i just kept checking on you.
You overflowed the toilet cuz you tried to flush apples. you said they were singing too loudly
Discovered that a nalgene holds an entire bottle of wine. Going mobile. Come find me.
Ok spinning in the opposite direction thatg the room was spinning was the worst advice ever
I'm imagining a seal in an ugly shirt hahahahaha Percocet
His dick is so big it could be an arm rest.
I think I just legit sprained my wrist from holding myself up while giving a blow J. God dammit come already
He got hotter. I'm offended on behalf of the rest of our graduating year.
He was gunna drive a half hour for a makeout sesh. Time to take the diapers off and learn about the wonders of the penis, dude
he probably thinks i inited him over to have sex but really i just want to show him 90's music videos
You really need to stop getting injured so often it's really starting to negatively impact my sex life. Oh and get well soon. . . no seriously though hurry the fuck up.
Randomize
