You wanna call me after your homoerotic shower?
Fuck men. I'm going to go eat a package of cookie dough and get fat. I hope I die of salmonella.
No, he attached a coozie to his crutches so he can carry his beer around the party.
check off brunette on the list of girls tht hit me with there cars and then fucked me later
The cop told me to answer for everyone if there was drinking involved and then i threw up in my Luigi's italian ice that i was eating with a pizza slicer
Annabeth just got on the bar and slurred something about how she was worried that when she started dating you your penis wouldnt fit. You are one lucky bastard my friend.
And, through a series of unfortunate events, I am at my grandmothers birthday party in a short dress and no underwear
Seeing Grandma lick chocolate sauce off of the male stripper was definitely not the way I planned to enter the world of legal drinking.
So they found him after the wedding still dressed up in his feather boa and top hat passed out in a bush...
I've got a 90 day supply of amoxicillin in case of zombie or chlamydia outbreak
So I'm sitting here baked on a bridge thinking about how plants think, I miss you so much
good news: i got laid. bad news: by your boyfriend
They're letting me in by good graces, I can't show up with a fist full of dildos
I'm serenading his dick with my words. I understand how poets get inspiration now.
he is sitting in the driveway by himself laughing at nothing, idk what to do
Randomize
