i just fell asleep masturbating. I'm no longer surprised i'm single. I can't even pleasure myself.
I think you're the first person to ever call Louisville, KY a "romantic getaway".
Wash that dress asap. You laid down on the kitchen floor and tried to sweep the floor with your body.
some drunk bitch driving a golf cart ran over the live band... its bad.
my roommate just showed me the scar on her forehead... that she got from a shake weight... That. just. happened.
I just want to go to their admissions office and show them the video of him taking the flaming shot, and be like yeah...you let in the kid who lit his entire face on fire over me.
I'm trying to convey to the smoking hot Spanish cleaning lady at work that I want to bone her but I think it's getting lost in translation. How do you say "blowjob" in Spanish?
He walks in. We each have a tiki torch. We say, the tribe has spoken. We put his out and then stab him with it.
She is the absolute last thing I would want to screw. Honestly. Fellating a porcupine. Higher on the list.
But if you were going to pour a liquid on your naked body in fall its definitely pumpkin inspired something.
You screamed "There's a potato in my anus" and proceeded to attempt to grind with the bouncer. Also, I'm pretty sure our Chem teacher was in the same bar as us.
Would nail polish remover take gorilla glue off my nipples? We had a strange night.
So his roommate walked in on us, went upstairs to tell her bf she has found a new use for the rafters & they must try it.
I can't believe this. 100 bucks says my Botox lasts longer than their marriage will.
I accidentally sent my dad a very explicit Star Wars fanfiction and he replied with "That was great!"
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