somehow on my way home with matt, I ended up straddling steve on the sidewalk and polling the people walking by on whether or not we should have sex.
Annihilated within 20 minutes of arriving on Saturday, proceeded to hook up with him half a dozen times/almost have sex in the shed. Later on I text his boyfriend letting him know he's okay and that he's asleep next to me. If I could parlay this skill into a vital component of national security I'd be the Jack Bauer of homewrecking. Diner later?
My mom is getting really tired of hearing the excuse 'it's 5 oclock somewhere'
mondays should just be called national damage control day
Apple Jack is not a good idea for breakfast. Whiskey can't replace milk.
Awkward moment #23: reasuring mom that the bf and I aren't having sex as seamen is running down my leg...
I think I reached optimum potential when I summersaulted straight into a kiddie pool.
No, earlier you attempted Jenga with everyones shoes.
You have to keep an eye on her tonight cause you know how she likes to pickpocket people when she's drunk.
What's grosser: using a dirty sex towel as an oven mitt? or using the oven to reheat superbowl bean dip for dinner?
Just had to masturbate in the bathroom because mom changed my room into a "knitting" room. I hate coming home.
Whenever I walk away from the group without saying anything, NEVER assume I'm just going to the bathroom.
SHUN THE NONBELIEVERS. THUS SAYS THE NIPPLE LORD
The cat's telling me to stop taking acid, and to start doing the lords work. I'm almost 99% sure he's talking about the dark lord.
THIS CAT'S GOING TO TURN INTO A SNAKE AND KILL ME! GET OVER HERE NOW! BRING YOUR WAND.
Also—I just realized that your wedding gift is still on my dining room table. So...as awful as I am for not yet sending it (and I still need your address), at least I didn’t bring my screaming children to potentially the most important day of your life?
I just bought a bottle of dried bees on Etsy. I am the wrong person to talk you out of this.
Randomize
