if any two of us come back from the bar and aren't getting laid we will systematically destroy everything in the kitchen
So that's a yes to the cocaine usage and a no to the rollerblading
You would only drink if the space jam soundtrack was playing, you thought it was hilarious that before every shot you said "y'all ready for this".
dude are you gonna smoke tonight? my day was shit and I wanna get high
worker bees can leave....even drones can fly away....the queen is their slave
nevermind....I'm on the way
I think he liked me better when I only opened my mouth to suck his dick.
thanks for the bloody nose. you probably dont remember, i'm not mad.. only because your boobs are to blame
She did my hair, then ate me out. Switching teams was an awesome decision.
You called to teach me about fire safety, meowed a whole bunch, said "I hope you are not on fire" and hung up.
well, I was going to forgive her anyway but not because shes my best friend and moreso because shes my drug dealer
Found my bike today. On top of the garage. I'm not even going to ask myself why.
sometimes when you're high at work you just have to say fuck it and eat the dog treats
Just had ice cream and a blow job come together in one glorious, defining moment.
Send help, water and tortillas.
I also told the bartender he probably had a beautiful spleen
she passed out standing next to the car. her head hit the door so hard the alarm went off. she instantly snapped out of it and started sprinting away
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