I woke up to him trying to put his dick in my mouth. When I asked him what he was doing he said he was trying to make me stop snoring...
shit is crazy. i just keep thinking that this kid growing inside Emily used to live in my balls.
and then when she swallowed her birth control with a shot of vodka and looked in my direction, i knew it was time to go.
Said he had been eating pineapple for a week before our 1st date. Not sure if thankful for his consideration or offended by his assumption.
I was so scared, I actually heard my grandmother's voice in my head saying if I get pregnant, then my vagina will fall off. And then I'm going to die.
she's using the space heater to try to heat up a pop-tart...
he's my ex-boyfriend's best friend... he tried to make out with me to prevent me from hitting his friend. then they almost fought about it.
teach me your ways.
At the drs she looked at my back saw your scratch marks and asked "does your back itch a lot?"
I yelled at the dude who smoked him up "YOU'RE THE REASON I'M NOT GETTING LAID" then went to bed. So yeah, I guess it was an ok night.
Went into Walmart to get a pregnancy test. Came out with a beta fish and chocolate.
He kept sending me videos of his dogs while I was trying to masturbate. At what point does getting vagina-block apply?
Dude. She was wearing nothing but Wonder Woman panties and a flag for a cape and sneaking around leaving PBR's by passed out people for the morning. She called herself the 'Merica Fairy.
Why haven't you proposed already?
Masturbated furiously for a half hour; ate a fistful of chocolate, then took a nap. Woke up and finished wrapping presents. I've got this holiday thing down.
Dick very happy bro
I only have sex with you to have a memory to masturbate to.
Randomize
