I think I have swimmer's ear. From his tongue.
i knew he was a douchebag when his facebook activities were "ladeis," and "gettin crunk wit ladeis"
so, the parking garage attendent caught us humping in the car. long story short, we have free parking whenever we want! take that abstinence.
Did you really just text me at 6:35 in the morning asking where the condoms were? I moved out a year ago.
That dick who always called me a slut in high school showed up at the clinic with boner problems. Then I was assigned as his nurse. Who's laughing now. I AM.
Wanna tell me why vodka seeped out of the memory foam when I climbed into my bed?
Accidentally gagged on my toothbrush and puked up a Walgreen's cheeseburger. 1) I am not going to be on top of my game tonight. 2) Since when do I have a gag reflex? 3) Walgreen's cheeseburgers are awesome.
Not sure if it's my shorts, hat, shoes, hair or soul but one of the above just got me drunk again from the glorious aroma of Keystone Light.
This chic sharing the cab with me just started givin me head. I'll be an extra 5 minutes.
I came to the party for him. I don't know where he went, but I mentioned being hungry and his housemate brought me a huge tupperware container of berry cobbler. I think I'll stay.
I told the American that we should start banging in Canada incase I get hurt and have to go to the hospital.. is that rude to say?
I think we can say happy hour is successful when you have frosting and southern comfort in your hair.
When you wear a dress that resembles the shape and color of Kirby to a wedding, you get the attention you deserve.
Somehow my family started talking about sex toys at breakfast.
You know that text I sent you last night at 2? That was 5 minutes before I ran face first into a wall of not okay
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