dude, despite what happened last night, I'm not gay
She had a bottle of NAIR in her bathroom, but she clearly hadn't been using it.
You were sitting at the bus stop holding hands with some Polish girl you just met, who was just as drunk as you were, and you kept trying to light your Kit Kat and smoke it.
I didn't think I could chip a tooth while giving a blowjob until I met him.
i love waking up at 5am with an imprint of a toilet seat on my chest
I really shouldn't have to apologize. It was your own damn fault for opening a tab at the bar and telling me about it.
Did you really end last night's sexting with "Stay thirsty my friend"?
My mom just set up beer pong in the dining room for family game night. and you ask why I'm still living at home.
Either way, we will celebrate half Christmas the only way we can. Completely and irresponsibly wasted.
I choose McDonald's breakfast at 1:28am over sex anytime
You can't just say you're dying of terminal cancer everytime they try to card you
I swear to god....if you can give yourself a brazilian you can take a fucking bullet
"he sent me a picture of a puppy in return for a picture of my boobs. He then captioned it with "look it's puppies first time at the beach". "
We fucked for 9 months, but he didn't want anything serious. So, I got rid of him and went on a date with a guy last night that looks like Kylo Ren. Who's really winning here?
What made you think singing Silent Night while I was puking was a good idea?!?!
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